my life

weird thing. seems kaz (my ex) has deleted me again after only re adding me the other day, not sure why… last we spoke she was asking me if i knew a number for any spas and i was like not off the to of my head. no arguments or anything. first i thought she had just disabled her fb (she does dat alot)
but turns out she still on fb and fr sum reason mustve blocked me. 

sigh. owell, i think im over the whole thing tbh i just hate random unanserd questions, i have an obssesion with knowing the reasons why to everything! lol but itll only lead me into trouble so ill leave it !

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHH!!!!!
woo! Just had to get that off my chest for no apparent reason!

…So I been up and down driving around today and one thing I noticed really puzzled me… Has anyone else noticed that everywhere you go there are new build houses popping up?!?

I saw 4 just on the way from Catford to Lewisham and if you live in south you’ll know how close that is, a lot of them also conveniently have like a mini Tesco at the bottom so the residents wont have any excuse to knock next door for a bit of milk! Pissed if your neighbours a hotty!
So anyways I’m not grumbling about the new build houses (apart from them having the thinnest walls ever) but this got me thinking…Aren’t we supposed to be in a recession?
I thought this country was supposed to be all bankrupt and in trouble? Yet to me it seems that while other countries like Italy are gonna have to put “escort” as a occupation at the job centre we seem to be building new houses like a game of monopoly!

Being the man I am I always look to the future and it seems kinda bleak. What’s happening is that because so much people are talking about this recession we’re actualising it, yes things are a bit tighter but boy, in my childhood things have always been tight so we’ve always had to make do, what I’m seeing happening now is that many companies are using the recession as an excuse to cash in, in many places if you’re earning over a certain amount the company will get rid of you just so they can hire someone else they find down the pub and pay them half of what you was on before…

This means the company get to run at half their cost meaning more profits and everyone else who was on a decent wage will get to take up a new career in one of those new Tesco expresses!

then you have gentrification, like I said there’s a lot of building going on, and if you notice a lot of it is taking place in “urban areas” what happens is they build up an area with new housing that only rich can afford, the value of an area goes up and eventually the locals cant afford to live there and have to move somewhere crummier!
Imagine moving somewhere crummier than Brixton! I don’t even know where that is like a random sewer somewhere! Loll (I joke) but really this is serious. This system is corrupt, imagine not being able to afford to live in Brixton…..BRIXTON!!!

Yes i know its late! well its still january so technically its not that bad!

i was gonna post a update about what i got up to but then i decided not too lol! perhaps too much has been revealled already lol

i will say that christmas was nice, had family around (except a nephew whos not spraking to my sis) and my daughter got everything she wanted, in fact only she got presents so it was just the rest of us adults sitting around watching her open presents and secretly feeling a little Jel. 

New years was gooood, although i cant remember all of it! decided to have a few friends round for lil party and my neighbours upstairs also had a party meaning there was no shortage of friends, alchohol and girls! 

i remember getting a whole bunch of girls down to mine and we ended up having just a joint party. 

i also remember a girl i used to see and her sister coming and playing spin the bottle with the girl i recently split with and her friend (and few other people)
theres alot more to this story but my lips are sealed gonna try this whole being a gentleman thing out lol!! 

ohh another dream i had recently, this one was pretty freaky. i have a cousin who a fell out with a few years back when i broke up with my childs mother (just realised i havnt told that story….probably best not to lol)

either way i stopped talking to her, and it was like that for years, she tried to make ammends but i didnt wanna hear it. however i did kinda start talking to her again a few years ago but nothing like we used to. 

anyway so she suffers from sickle cell which means thats shes always in the hospital, and in this dream i had it turns out that on this trip to the hospital things got really bad and she passed away.

however she wasnt fully dead yet and so her spirit was allowed to wander around while her body lay in the bed, so she came to see me however i couldnt see her just kind of feel her presence, however when i went over to the mirror i could see her in the mirror i was the only person who could see/hear her so we we just casually chatting in the mirror.

she told me that there was a god but its not that bad when you die although kinda scary, but because her body wasnt fully dead she had to back, however because she has been so close to death so many times her spirit can now leave her body when she wants so shell come back and visit me.

now that dream was spooky! gave me chills, but whats even stranger is that that same morning i woke up and had a facebook friend request from her!!

as usual i been having some crazy dreams however i keep forgetting to write them down straight away!!! which is very annoying.

lately i keep dreaming about my daughters mum, its getting really annoying now. in life we are cool and everything and we have a laugh sometimes but she does also do my head in at times. 

so anyway this most recent dream was me and her back at my mums house (alot of my dreams take place back at mums house for some reason) and yea so we wer both chilling with our daughter, but now we had loads of kids, she had two other kids, one was a little girl which was mine and another kid which was her boyfriends,

the lil girl which was mine was much younger than my daughter but was speaking at the same level, if not better. despite being in nappies.

i was saying that i dont like this baby cos she keeps giving me attitude. everytime i would try and talk to her she would give me the scornful look her mum does when shes in a mood with me. i was trying to tiggle her and faisty baby was calling me immature and telling me to grow up!! 

then my actual daughter came up and gave me a big hug and we pretty much left the rude one in the front room. 

when i saw my baby mother again she had just had twins, she said “well the little boy is yours so you have a son now, but the other one is Jamals
Me: “who the hells Jamal, thats not your boyfriend!!”
Her “ohh you dont kno jamal, he went to my school, he’s a footballer now”

Me: well how the hell can one twin be mine and the other aint! thats not even possible!!!”
Her: You’re so immature! everyone knows that its possible, your so stupid sometimes all cos you dont wanna help me well fine!!

me being all confused then went to see my sister who just walked in, i asked “is it possible to have twins and one its urs and the other one aint” she said “yea of course it is” so i felt dumb and had to go back and apologise.

then we started kissing, but then she kept pulling my head away and giving me a evil look, then she said she really wants to have a baby, and its like all the other kids (except my daughter) dissapeared. and i was like, well we dont have to get back together but i want a son and i dont want any other baby mothers so lets do it.

we were JUST about to then she said no, wait! and then a cleaner burst in and was like “oh, sorry” and walked out, then i woke up.

i think this means i want a son, without a new baby mother….dreams are crazy 

Dutch fashion magazine Jackie thought it would be funny to offer its readers advice on how to dress like Rihanna without looking like, what they described as the “ultimate niggerbitch.” A quick translation of the article reads: “She has street cred, she has a ghetto ass and she has a golden throat. Rihanna, the good girl gone bad, is the ultimate niggabitch and displays that gladly, and for her that means: what’s on can come off. If that means she’ll be on stage half naked, then so be it. But Dutch winters aren’t like Jamaican ones, so pick a clothing style in which your daughter can resist minus ten. No to the big sunglasses and the pornheels, and yes to the tiger print, pink shizzle and everything that glitters. Now let’s hope she won’t beat anybody up at daycare.” Clearly somebody dropped the ball and after the uproar Jackie Editor-in-Chief Eva Hoeke decided to post an apology on the magazine’s Facebook page: Dear readers, First: thanks for all your responses. We are of course very fed up over this and especially very shocked. However I’m glad that we’re engaging in a dialogue on this page — not everybody does that. Thanks for this. Other than that I can be brief about this: this should have never happened.Period.

While the author meant no harm — the title of the article was intended as a joke — it was a bad joke, to say the least. And that slipped through my, the editor-in-chief’s, fingers. Stupid, painful and sucks for all concerned. The author has been addressed on it, and now I can only ensure that these terms will no longer end up in the magazine. Furthermore I hope that you all believe there was absolutely no racist motive behind the choice of words. It was stupid, it was naive to think that this was an acceptable form of slang — you hear it all the time on tv and radio, then your idea of what is normal apparently shifts — but it was especially misguided: there was no malice behind it. We make our magazine with love, energy and enthusiasm, and it can sometimes happen that someone is out of line. And then you can only do one thing: apologize. And hope that others wish to accept it. From the bottom of my heart I say it again: we never intended to offend anyone. And I mean that. Regards,
Eva Hoeke

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

this is exactly what i was talking about in my post earlier, people think this type of thing is acceptable…. and whether it was intended as a joke or not is irrelevant, its the fact that this is how people perceive us subconciously! it pisses me off! 

like somebody said on this “ I think what is more eye-opening and telling is the descriptive text beneath the title. Every stereotype about black women thrown in and the fact they mention Jamaica rather than Barbados which is infact where Rihanna is originally kinda sums up the level of ignorance. I love the fact they have blamed the use of the n word on radio etc as a reason for them using it in such a casual way.” 

its just frustrating to 1: to kno that so many people have these subconcious negative stereotypes of you and your people and 2 the fact that so mamy live up to and perpetuate this stereo type.

whoever said racism is gone needs a slap 

oh yea remember when i was getting my knickers in a twist cos i thought my ex kaz had added my friend who we had the threesome with….

well i spoke to my friend on bb and asked her if kaz had messaged her on facebook and she said no, it was her that messaged kaz!!!

i was like what!!! (bear in mind i considered this girl a friend so she knows the whole situation with me and kaz….
she was like “nothing dodgy she just ran across my mind, just a hi and bye thing. am i in trouble?”

i was like well thats dodge still, wont lie.
she said i cud even have her password and look at the convo but how sad wud dat be if i said yes lemme look!! 

anyway, she says its nothing dodgy, and apparently she was talking to mutual friends (who was part of the whole kaz drama, but im cool wit them) and das how kaz came up. 

i dunno, i do consider this girl a good friend, id go round n chill, have dinner every now and then…. i hope there aint no secret shit goin on behind my back but to be honest I. TRUST. NO. ONE….

and my guts/balls tell me there’s more to the story…. i used to have kaz’s facebook pasword stored aswell kmt…. but i deleted it to stop myself lookin LOL! ….sigh 

So i had a interesting altercation last week with a female on my blackberry 
few mnths ago (i forget when exactly) this girl who id known frm facebook for quite some time and i wer speaking on bb, she said she was bord i said if you have no plans you can come up cos im jus chillin too…

she said no.
i said cool.

few weeks later we spoke she said reason she never cam was she dont know me well enuff, and i said thats cool i completely understand that.
in that convo she also told me how she has many “options” when it comes to guys, and finds she  always likes a guy but then gets bord and drops him when she finds a new guy she likes better cos theres “too many nice boys”

she also said why dont i make any effort with her, and i said “because i dont chase women!”

anyway, today. ms tiana hollas at me, and says she wud like ME to cook for HER ….out the blue, i said no. she says shes only coming if i cook, i said why wud i cook for sum1 who has options and will only come if i make food and not just to see me?

she also says she wants a hug and a kiss cos shes feeling down, i say come if u want but i aint cooking.

she says where do you live agen?
me: south london, “______”

her: oh i was there yesterday thats far…
me: so what does that mean? are you comin or not?
her: your far, thats a long drive…
me: so what does that mean? are you comin or not?
her: why are you trying to stress me
me: i jus waiting for you to gimme an anser, simple
her: argh you making me mad
me: erm, why u getting mad for?? :-s

anyway, had a argument she gets upset an deletes me off bb. 

i update my status on face book to “girl said SHE wants to come see me, but only if i cook for her…PASS”… which this dumb girl saw and took offence too, it turnt into some big thing, over 100 comments, lots of people joint in it was actually quite amusing but embarrassing at same time, i phone calls from bunch of exes asking who dis carzy chick was lol and my ex kaz was even commenting!! *insert fall in a hole and die smiley*
anyway by the end she just embarrassed herself and deleted herself frm my facebook so meh, done now.

 

 

So xbox released some new software which allows you to watch youtube from your xbox!!! happy days!!
so anyway, first thing that comes up is a new 50 cent video with Tony Yayo, called i just wana.
now i dont wana start acting like im all high and mighty and angelic cos im farr from perfect but this song and video made me sad. and not cos of how swag the song was!
dont get me wrong, i am actually a fifty cent fan, despite this song being pants. but yea, my point is the lyrics and topic of this song, 50 and Yayo explain in detail just how little they think of their women, and how they have no interest in them whatsoever other than having sex, “i dont wanna love you, i just wanna unbutton your blouse, let the girls out and fuck you”

i find this sad, i mean yea i love women. (maybe too much) but i dunno….. even though i have issues with how some women behave i feel they should be given respect unless they deserve otherwise.

i dont like the idea of negative sterotypes of black women as all loud mouthed video hoes and baby mothers, i dont like it because the more it is fed to us the more it begins to become a reality 

and the sad reality is that women start to behave like video hoes because that is whats expected of them, they start callin themselves bitches and hoes… i wonder how many corperate business owning women wud call themself bitche and hoes.

this is kinda hard for me, because yea i do think girls shud keep it real and yea if your a bit slutty u shud own it but i just find it sad when it seems like the ONLY time you see black women theyre bent over bouncing their booty, like thats the only thing they are good for….

hmm, im tryna explain without sounding hypocritical, ….its like, yes you may see a white lady shaking her bum or being a video hoe…(cant actually think of any) but then you know if you turn over the TV you can see another white woman playing a action hero, or princess, or business woman, or lawyer etc…

it seems that the ONLY time black (esp dark skin women are on the screen their either bent over or shouting their mouths off) now imagine as young black girl growing up it could be very easy subconciously to think that if you cant booty shake then your not really black!

what annoys me also is the women in these videos, now ive made music vids before, and i do think you can even make a sexual video without it being degrading.  for example trey songs wud make a sexual vid but doesnt have to degrade like a 50 cent song.
from the lyrics are “i just wanna fuck etc” then id say no, but it seems these women are happy to smile  shake it for camera…

hmm, thinkin again, and i am kinda torn on this whole thing. cos id be lying if i say i didnt enjoy seeing beautiful women on screen, however it can just be too much when 90 per cent of rap videos are the same thing and to be honest i dont always want it rammed down my throat! if im that bothered ill put on a porn! lol

its like you know when you have a sister, shes kinda annoying and you may pick on her abit but at the end of the day shes YOUR SISTER! so you wouldnt want anyone else to have negative comments/perceptions on her….or only know one side of her…. or to think she has no brain and only good for booty shakin…sigh 

the fact is yes, some black women are bitches and hoes etc… and thats fine if that makes them happy.
but some black women are also beautiful, spiritual intelligent queens…i just think that only one side of black women is being represented by the men in the industry.  

ok i had to make this into its own post due to even more updates!!!

yea so i accepted kaz, first thing i see on her page….is now in a relationship! 
followed by her status, “time flys when someone is constantly making you happy” 
updated 22hrs ago…

kmt, knew i shuda linked her ages ago when she kept popping up on my fb, and texting me!
but nooooooo, i had to be gooood and not cheat!!! look now shes taken!!! kmt 
 
i do wonder what made her wnna add me but fuck it im sure shell msg when shes ready…. 


now…. just going thru my timeline what do i see…. “is now friends with LEANNE”

no im getting annoyed with myself, Leanne is the girl that kaz and i had a 3some with…. THERES NO NEED FOR THEM TO BE FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK!
im angry, i swaer kaz knows how to get me EVERYTIME!!!

i dont care how long ago it was, … grrr they dont need to ever speak unless things are going down and im in the middle!!!!….stressed!